To have many good friends, to communicate with others, to find language with colleagues, to be an interesting conversationalist and to like the opposite sex. How to become a good conversationalist, how to learn to communicate with people and be interesting? By far not everyone possesses the ability to conduct a conversation, from which they then suffer. Work, success, friends and soulmate. Their availability depends on your ability to communicate. If you experience difficulties in communicating with others, it is difficult to hope for a good, successful and happy life. Every modern person should pump communication skills or his ability to be a good conversationalist.
Communication skills are responsible for the ease of making contact, maintaining a conversation, and building friendships. There are books on psychology, exercises and methods that help you learn how to easily communicate with people. How to learn to communicate and be an interesting conversationalist?
How to learn to communicate with people? Secrets and exercises from books on psychology
1. Be a good listener. Speak less and listen more to the person you are talking to.
2. Never interrupt your interlocutor with your stories and inserts.
3. Smile more and try to be friendly.
4. Show sincere interest in the interlocutor, his life, deeds, mood.
5. Avoid unreasonable disputes, avoid objections and avoid confrontations.
6. Try to talk about what interests and excites the interlocutor.
7. Feel the mood of the interlocutor and adapt to it.
8. Avoid negative topics and focus on positive ones.
9. Name the interlocutor by name. This is the most pleasant for a person.
These psychological tips will help you learn to communicate faster and easier with people.
For what: You learn to think and speak at the same time. The connection between thinking and speech is being strengthened.
How to perform: Open your favorite blog, find any article, choose 2-3 of it from any paragraph. Read them and retell yourself out loud. Next - the next few paragraphs, and so on until the end of the article.
Exercise Duration: Depends on the size of the article. You need to retell 1 article per day.
2. Continuation of someone else's thought
For what: You learn to look for non-standard solutions, develop flexibility of thinking.
How to perform: Turn on the TV or any video on the Internet. Listen to the speaker for 30 seconds, then turn off the sound and develop his thought within 30 seconds.
Exercise Duration: 5-10 minutes a day.
3. The mystery of Lewis Carroll
For what: Breaking your own stereotypes, habits of thinking in a certain way.
How to perform: The riddle Carroll came up with is: “How does a raven look like a table?” The exercise is based on it. It is advisable to carry it out together, so as not to juggle more “convenient” objects. One calls any word, the other calls any other word, insert the question between them: “What are they like?” It turns out something like “How does the cabinet look like a rabbit?” Sit and look for options.
Exercise Duration: It’s worth starting with 10 pairs.
4. Lecture to anyone about anything
For what: By fishing out inapplicable information from memory, you train your memory. Make the thinking process more flexible.
How to perform: The exercise is performed together. You choose any item from those that surround you, and tell your interlocutor about it. How did he appear? Why is it important on a human scale? What is it used for here in this room? With regular practice, you will soon be able to push the hour-long lecture on the eraser, chair or cabinet door.
Exercise Duration: Start with 5 minutes.
5. Dialog with a mirror
For what: You observe yourself from the side, learn to speak coherently about your thoughts, establish contact with yourself.
How to perform: The task is to look at yourself in the mirror to fetch out any thought from the mind and develop it out loud. That is, you come to the mirror, start to think and talk about what you think. Smoothly move from thought to thought, linking them together. After some time, you will begin to get a coherent and sincere story about what is spinning in your head.
Exercise Duration: For 10 minutes a couple of times a week.
6. Talking with stuffed mouth
For what: Simultaneous improvement of diction before the “match”.
How to perform: There are different options. You can put an ordinary spoon on the tongue or a handful of nuts on the cheeks and try to pronounce the words as clearly as possible.
Exercise Duration: 7-10 minutes are enough.
Reasons for unsuccessful interaction
Communication failure can be caused by a number of factors. The most common causes include the following:
- Stereotypes. Due to the simplified and generalized opinion, there is no adequate understanding of the situation and the participants.
- Biased attitude. In this case, we are talking about the categorical denial of any opposing opinions and views.
- Hostile attitude towards the opponent. A negative attitude towards the person himself does not adequately perceive the situation and information.
- Lack of feedback (attention and interest). Interest is a manifestation of the subjective significance of information for a person. If something is not important or not clear to him, then it is not interesting.
- Ignoring the facts. Conclusions based on guesswork, intuition, surface information.
- Inconsistency in speech, unconvincing, misuse of words or construction of speech.
- Error in choosing tactics and communication strategies.
The choice of strategy depends on the situation. There are 3 possible communication options:
- Monological - dialogical.
- Role - personal, that is, communication according to social roles and "heart to heart".
- Open and closed. The first type involves the full expression of their point of view and the adoption of someone else's, the exchange of similar but identical information. With closed communication, a person cannot or does not want to fully express his position. Closed communication is used in conflicts and with a pronounced difference in the levels of competence of the parties.
Difficulties in informal communication
In addition to general barriers to communication, one can distinguish certain personality traits that impede contacts with people. Think about whether you suffer from any of the following.
- Social insecurity. It implies self-doubt caused by the perception of one’s status. For example, when communicating with the boss.
- Timidity. It can be triggered by biological or social factors. The personal characteristics (biological) include aggression, anxiety, slowness, and other features of temperament. Other reasons for shyness may lie in low self-esteem after suffering stress or trauma, social isolation in childhood, poor personal communication experience, lack of vocabulary, literacy, and oratory.
- Shyness. It also follows from psychological and social factors.
- Inability to establish psychological contact. Due to a lack of psychological literacy, ignorance of people, the inability to see the characteristics of the partner.
Reasons for inadequate perception of people
Why doesn’t communication with some people under any circumstances? Maybe you do not accept the person himself? So, what prevents the right to perceive the interlocutor:
- The idea of the interlocutor prevailing even before the start of personal communication.
- Thinking by stereotypes, that is, the instantaneous assignment of a person to a group and the search for characteristic features in him.
- Early conclusions in personality assessment.
- Orientation only on one’s own ideas about a person, ignoring opinions from the outside.
- Habit for a person, the conviction that he "does not know how to do otherwise."
For an adequate perception, it is important to exclude these factors, to develop the ability to:
- empathy (representing the emotions of others),
- identification (put yourself in the place of other people),
- reflection (evaluate how others see you).
Communicative competence and competence
I think we should distinguish between the concepts of competence and competence:
- Competence - possession of methods for solving communicative problems.
- Competence is a personal characteristic, a set of several competencies, that is, internal resources, knowledge, skills necessary to create and maintain interaction (communication).
Diagnose your skills
In the course of communication, people have a strong influence on each other's personalities. It is possible that your communication does not work out because of intolerance to criticism, since as a result of communication the claims and intentions of the parties, their thoughts, emotions and feelings are always modified. I suggest you evaluate yourself as an interlocutor.
I advise you to take a test for communicative competence (author V.E. Levkin) so that you know what you are dealing with. I’ll ask you to honestly answer 5 questions. Remember that overpriced results are as bad as underestimated ones. In the first case, you risk inadequately perceiving yourself and the world, and in the second - to acquire uncertainty and become passive. So answer honestly to each question in points from 1 to 7 (how much each scale is expressed).
- The ability to listen and hear, listen and listen, the ability to make listen.
- The ability to convey one’s thought clearly and accurately, in a language understandable to the interlocutor, the ability to convince.
- The ability to understand and consider the emotions, motives and intentions of people, the ability to motivate.
- The ability in communication to control your emotions, maintain clarity of mind and understanding of the meaning of actions.
- Ability to prevent and resolve conflicts, find a way out of pre-conflict situations.
If some ability has received a low rating, then it needs to be developed. To get a general result, multiply all the estimates and summarize.
- 15043-16807 points (90-100%) - excellent.
- 11682-15042 points (70-89%) - good.
- 4959-11681 points (30-69%) - satisfactory.
- 1598-4958 points (10-29%) - weak.
- 1-1597 points (1-9%) - very weak.
If you doubt your assessment or want to know how others see you, then ask someone to answer these statements about you.
Thus, you have obtained a result regarding general communicative competence and individual abilities. Now you know your strengths and weaknesses. It's time to act!
The basics of working on yourself
It should be understood that a lack of communication is easier to change than a lack of communication. The first is the inability to establish contact, that is, ignorance of the fundamentals of the communication process, strategies, rules. Sociability - the impossibility of establishing contacts, due to personal characteristics. From that I offer you two areas of work:
- To improve communication, just remember the material in this article and practice regularly.
- For personal changes, you need to establish the causes of the failures (write down what preceded the failed contacts). After that, delve into the study of a specific problem, for example, shyness, suspiciousness, aggressiveness, and so on, and also study methods of self-regulation for what cannot be changed, for example, accentuations of character, temperament characteristics. In some cases, a visit to a therapist may be necessary.
How to overcome shyness
Shyness is the most popular reason for communication failures. I want to consider it in more detail.
- Do not leave conversations. Whatever discomfort you feel, communicate with different people. Find something interesting and enjoyable for yourself.
- A popular fallacy of shy people: you only need to say smart. Allow yourself to say trivial things.
- Allow yourself to be a child, but not irresponsible, but immediate, cheerful. Remember how easily the children begin to talk to each other.
- Learn to be spontaneous. Tell jokes and everyday stories.
- Help people. Sometimes, due to shyness, a person cannot say “thank you” what is perceived as arrogance and anger.
- Control your face, watch out for a smile.
Unfortunately (or fortunately), shyness and similar traits can only be overcome using the wedge-wedge method.
How to communicate with the opposite sex
Difficulties in communicating with the opposite sex are usually caused by the parental scenario and stereotypes. Forget everything “should”, allow yourself to be yourself and make an independent idea of the partner. The basis of the work is the compilation of real expectations and requirements for yourself and your partner. What are you missing?
How to be attractive to the interlocutor
Communicative attractiveness, or attraction, consists in the following provisions:
- Do not skimp on personal appeals (by name or patronymic). This subconsciously causes positive emotions and interest, is regarded as attention and respect.
- Do not forget to smile and maintain an “open” face, be friendly.
- Do not avoid compliments and praise. Promotion is pleasant to all people.
- Always let us speak to our interlocutor. If you are not interested or have already heard about it, then listen patiently with a friendly face.
- Use knowledge about your interlocutor (zodiac sign, hobby, temperament).
General rules for effective engagement
- Speak in plain language. If the partner does not understand slang or professional terminology, then do not go into it.
- Show respect and attention (verbal and non-verbal).
- Focus on common areas (religion, profession, gender, hobbies).
- Take an interest in problems, listen to experiences.
Psychotechnics of communication
- Think in advance about the scenario and possible development of communication.
- Create a favorable psychological environment. The best option is personal communication at close range. Do not start the conversation “right off the bat”. Ask, for example, how your interlocutor got. Think over your appearance (clothes, makeup, image). Your appearance and courtesy are the first things that dispose or repel a partner.
- Stimulate the activity of the interlocutor, give preference to dialogue, observe speech etiquette.
- Choose behavior according to the situation, but always be attentive to the interlocutor. Signs of attention: a slight tilt of the body forward, eyebrow movements, paraphrasing of words (I understand that ... Right? ”).
- Establish psychological contact through gradual rapprochement (its foundation is confidence, interest, honesty, emotional stability), the creation of "We", fulfillment of all possible and slightest requests, compliments, rewards, approvals during the conversation.
- Prove your position from the point of view of the interests of the partner, and not yours (first identify the characteristics of the person opposite).
- Do not forget about self-regulation (managing your emotions and feelings, thoughts, feelings) and other recommendations for communication.
If you need to speak to an audience
An audience is a group of people united by activity and place. Group psychology, and in particular group perception, differs from the individual. For example, suggestibility, imitation, infection, and intense emotion are characteristic of a large group. Unless the motives may differ. Someone came for the sake of interest and knowledge, and someone “voluntarily-forcibly” by someone’s order or request.
Communication with the audience, that is, a lot of people is a special situation that requires its own psychological adjustments, if I may say so. It is important to know the methods of maintaining interest, attracting attention, self-control, delivering information, no matter what. So, what you need to know and how to behave when communicating with an audience:
- The optimal distance is 3-4 meters. Further it is regarded as arrogance or uncertainty, closer - violation of space, pressure. Avoid physical touch. But you should understand that these nuances depend on the audience and the topic of conversation.
- Pause at the beginning of a speech. This is necessary to prepare the audience. At the time of the pause, the listeners will examine you, the surroundings, that is, tune in to an attentive listening. At the same time, the listeners will become intrigued, and the speaker himself will have time to calm down.
- Avoid monotonous boring speeches and direct calls (“Attention!”, “Be careful, please!”).
- Keep track of the variety and volume of information, whether the content matches the interests of the audience.
- If you see that some material “doesn’t go in”, then improvise. Always monitor the response of the listener.
- How to attract attention? Try to withstand intriguing pauses. Build the text on a “question and answer” basis. Give conflicting and controversial arguments.
- Use different styles of speech, including provocative ones.
- Use interesting expressions, quotes, aphorisms.
- Change the pace of speech and the timbre of the voice.
- Use epithets and other figures of speech.
- Focus on abstracts, summarize preliminary results.
- Always highlight the problem and provide alternative opinions on it.
- Keep eye to eye contact. You can select 1-2 people from the front rows.
- Give speech the character of a discussion, a debate (with yourself or with the audience).
- Do not skimp on clarity and gestures (but do not overdo it).
- Address the audience (“So, dear listeners, we have come to ...”).
- Try to talk yourself, not read a piece of paper.
- Pay attention to the beginning of speech. Phrases like “I haven’t specially prepared, but let’s try”, “I don’t even know how to start”, “Perhaps you don’t like what I say” do not fit.It is better to give preference to phrases such as “Have you heard”, “You probably do not know yet”. Along with this, do not forget about greetings and appeals.
- Give preference to the pronouns “we”, “you”, try not to abuse the “I”.
- Remember that the beginning and end of information is best remembered. Try not to include the most important points in the middle of the text.
- It is important to work on speech literacy. Wrong stylistically used words or incorrect pronunciation can cause irritation, ridicule and irony from the audience. And even more dangerous is the loss of attention. Listeners will follow the speaker and his speech, not the content of the thought.
- No way to attract attention will save if the speaker’s personality does not cause the audience to be located. First of all, you need to respect the audience, be sensitive and attentive, friendly. Other moral and ethical qualities that arouse trust and interest include principledness, erudition, conviction, self-criticism.
The qualities of a good speaker
I want to introduce you, dear readers, with the qualities of a good speaker. Possessing these qualities, you can easily communicate immediately with an entire audience (group of friends).
- Competence in the topic under discussion, erudition, a high level of general personality culture.
- Conviction in one's own activity, pronounced thoughts.
- Flexibility, criticality and self-criticism (qualities of the mind).
- Decisiveness, self-control, perseverance (qualities of will).
- Resistance (to external stimuli), impulsiveness (reaction in the right places to a problem situation), cheerfulness (qualities of emotions).
- Goodwill, sociability, modesty, tact (qualities of the communicative sphere).
- Organization, determination, efficiency, energy, efficiency (business qualities).
It is important to understand that the same qualities provide different results. Adding to the temperament and character, they form an individual style of communication with the audience.
How to communicate without conflict
Because of the inability to communicate with people, conflicts often occur. By the way, they can happen for other reasons, but without communicative skills they definitely will not be able to resolve. How to communicate, so as not to get into conflict? How to respond to rudeness and debate?
- Always remember self-control, do not give vent to emotions.
- If you can’t restrain yourself at all, then challenge yourself: “Can I withstand the pressure and inadequacy of these people?”
- Do not be categorical, do not make rash decisions and do not throw counter offers aside.
- Focus on similar points of view, not excellent ones. If there are none, then leave the conversation or continue to calmly insist on your own.
- Respect the other person and yourself. Remember that when you insult, then the negative also reaches you.
- If necessary or convenient, transfer the conversation to another channel, change the subject, stop first in a "hot" situation.
- If you assume that some of your thoughts will cause a breakdown in your communication partner, then choose the most gentle wording or refrain altogether (if possible).
- Do not repeat the same arguments, especially if they are denied the same amount.
- Learn to recognize the right of every person to their opinion, which may not correspond to yours. Leave the opponent the right to remain unconvinced.
- Remember that everyone, including you, can be wrong. Listen to other points of view on controversial issues, double-check information, expand existing data.
Always remember that all negative emotions have a negative effect primarily on your body, and then on your opponent. Disputes, experiences, enmities take a lot of energy. And emotional stress turns into muscle tension of the whole body (psychosomatics).
Principles of Secular Society
Secular communication has a number of mandatory requirements:
- Be polite and considerate, so you support and respect the interest of the other side.
- Try to avoid objections and accusations. Express your approval and consent.
- Be friendly and welcoming.
- Remember that in secular society, people rarely express true emotions and feelings.
Business Communication Principles
Communication at work has completely different features that are important to consider in order to successfully communicate with colleagues and the boss.
- Focus on the common thread of the conversation and the main goal, invest according to this (cooperativeness).
- Do not understate, but do not exaggerate the content and volume of information. Speak strictly in the case (sufficiency of information).
- Do not lie or hide facts (quality of information).
- Do not deviate from the topic (appropriateness).
- Be precise and specific in your statements and arguments (clarity).
- Learn to listen and highlight the main thoughts (understanding) from the context.
- Consider the individual characteristics of the interlocutor, but remember the main goal and idea of conversation.
The boundaries and principles of business communication, as a rule, are discussed in advance by the interlocutors.
So, communicating with people is not difficult and not scary. It is only necessary:
- be confident in yourself and what you do, say
- Respect yourself and others (do not switch to personalities, manipulations),
- to listen to the opponent and to know him, that is, to have developed empathy,
- be critical, but not categorical,
- always keep a friendly attitude (thanks, greetings, compliments),
- have communicative competencies,
- get rid of personal "cockroaches".
Remember that the cause of communication problems is always in you, and it is up to you to overcome these obstacles. I wish you the strength to solve your difficulties and eradicate undesirable traits. Grow personally, and the ability to communicate will come to you by itself!
How to learn how to communicate with people + effective exercises
And so, in order to properly talk with people, you need to smile, be interested in a person and be confident during a conversation.
This is the brief meaning of most trainings, books and articles on how to learn how to communicate with people. Already on the first lines we saved you a lot of time.
Are these tips effective?
Well, what if you have a jerk every time you talk with a stranger, what if you just do not want to smile or listen to your interlocutor for half an hour about his hobby that you are not interested in?
In this article, we will discuss the issues of combating fear and discomfort when communicating with people, talk a little about Erickson’s hypnosis and the Eriskon spirals, and give an exercise that will help you train your talkativeness.
Fighting Fear of Communication
You may be encouraged by the information that 70% of people are afraid to communicate with strangers.
In fact, whether a person is familiar or not, it does not matter, fear can calmly arise during communication with a person whom you already know, what is the catch?
Suppose you are afraid to come up to meet a person of the opposite sex, or come to you to meet you. A bunch of “automatic thoughts” begin to spin in my head, which quickly accelerate the autonomic nervous system, as a result of which we feel constrained. These thoughts are like “how I look”, “what people think”, “what a cool girl (guy), how I would like to build a relationship with her (him)”.
Well, or let's say you are talking with a work colleague and you start to feel awkward, in this case the thoughts will be about the same “as I look”, “that if I say some garbage now, bad talk will be made about me” ...
There are only 2 ways to deal with any fear, this ..
Get a positive experience
You are new to the company, at first it is difficult to communicate with colleagues, but later you understand that they are very nice people and already communicate with them as friends. This is because at first you do not know these people and do not know what to expect from them, but in the process it turns out that they are pleasant people, you get a POSITIVE EXPERIENCE with these people and the situation does not bother you anymore.
This is what they usually do in various trainings. During the day, you approach 100 different representatives of the opposite sex 100 times and later you understand that there is nothing terrible here. Well, or do the difficult task of communicating with strangers and experience “I am capable of it ...” is imprinted in your head.
However, the question arises, what if during the assignment I received only negative experience, what if everything shakes me only at the thought that it will be necessary to speak with a stranger?
We are not entitled to diagnose anyone, but perhaps your fear is more at the level of phobic disorders and panic attacks, it may be useful for you to read the article how to treat panic attacks, phobias and neurosis. It describes in detail the methods of working on oneself and tells what such disorders are.
Here is a girl next to you, who you madly like, and you cannot squeeze out words. And now next to you is a girl who is indifferent to you and next to her you behave naturally.
This is what we have already talked about. In your mind there is an overestimation of the significance of this situation. You become a tightrope walker, one mistake of which can mean death.
Significance to events rises from automatic thoughts. Only an event has happened, and already a dozen such thoughts and associations have arisen in your head. You may not even notice them, But they are, they are interconnected and carry in themselves pator installations.
In this situation, automatic thoughts may be: “here she is,” “how beautiful she is,” “she probably likes confident guys, I have to seem confident,” “just not to say bullshit,” “what if I’m stupid and it will be seen by someone else, ”etc.
You can deal with automatic thoughts using the methods of their cognitively behavioral therapy; we described it in detail in the article how to get rid of complexes. In fact, you need to learn how to catch these automatic thoughts, criticize them and change attitudes.
Where to begin?
Well, let's say you have no fear of communicating with people, but somehow the conversation itself is glued heavily.
When was the last time you saw people walking down the street and discussing the image of Eugene Onegin?
Read books if they are of interest to you and on topics of interest to you. And if you meet a person whose interests are the same as yours, then the conversation will go on its own, but for this it should be lucky.
We are now talking about that kind of communication when you seem to be talking about everything and not about anything right away. When there is no subject of discussion, when it is easy and interesting, and topics for conversation arise themselves failure. To develop such skills, the delusional generator exercise can help us, which is just to train at home, on the street or on the way to work.
Exercise delusional generator
In general, the delusional generator has a lot of exercises, but we will give some of the most interesting and simple ones.
- Call everything you see
You sit in a room and just call everything you see + an adjective to it.