Useful Tips

Having learned these 11 truths, you will learn how to manage your emotions


This will be a 30-minute express-course of a young life hacker in managing people. Read and share with your friends! Down with the dull and nasty managers. Let's make the world of leaders more diverse and fun. Go!

This article will be especially useful for IT people. Why IT people? It seems to me that this is the most striking example where the development of emotional leadership is required. It is the IT sphere - this is the place where managers become the fastest. At the age of 22–23, children are already starting to lead small teams, and by the age of 25–30 they can be heads of large divisions.

So, you just recently became a project manager or team lead in a successful IT company, now you have a team of 10-15 people in your submission, and you think that you can finally relax by handing out tasks to your employees.

But suddenly something went wrong. Employees do not want to follow the “subordinate - manager" algorithm at all, they begin to challenge tasks, their motivation to work falls, deadlines are delayed, and they begin to look for a new job. Common situation? This is a sign that you are not using your emotional intelligence in managing people.

In fact, you already know how to apply your emotional intelligence, but you still do not use it for various reasons.

So here I will show you how you can apply it.

Step 1. Show your emotions

Leaders always use emotions in managing people. A good one is a leader or a leader who yells at his subordinates with obscenities, emotions are an information amplifier. Emotions always help to pay attention to what you say, engage, inspire.

Compare two options:

Option 1. Alexander, you have to prepare a report for the leadership by Friday and so that I do not have to redo it. If you do not, I will fine you.

Option 2 Alexander, my friend, only you are able to do this, and I decided to entrust you with the task of saving the world. Our leadership needs to prepare a super-report so that the mosquito doesn’t undermine it there. You are the coolest analyst we have, and that's why I decided to ask you to do it. Save the universe, make a report until Friday.

Sometimes just a few emotional words are enough for an employee to want to complete a task.

Step 2. Convince with emotional arguments

If you want to convince someone of something, forget about the arguments. Arguments cannot be convinced. You can justify your point of view, but a person will still remain at his own thoughts. We have long been seriously driven by emotions. A great example is the multibillion-dollar sales of the iPhone. You've probably seen comparisons like these:

Nevertheless, the iPhone always wins, and the reason for this is the emotions of customers.

To remember how it worked for you, I propose to do a small exercise from the Western Reserve University of Cayce.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into two parts. Write in the left column what the leader did, who in your past helped you to reveal your strengths. This may be one of your leaders, teachers at school, parents or acquaintances. And in the right column write what the leader was doing, who, on the contrary, was preventing you from revealing your potential.

Usually people write the following.

In the left column:

  • he inspired me
  • it was fun with him
  • he gave me a feeling of being involved in something meaningful,
  • he trusted me
  • he protected me when I needed it
  • he taught me not to be afraid to take risks,
  • he stimulated me with complex tasks,
  • in certain issues, he showed competence, but more often he simply knew who and how to contact in order for the problem to be solved.

In the right column:

  • they found fault with every little thing,
  • engaged in micromanagement,
  • blamed us for failures
  • showed hostility and negative attitude,
  • their words repelled
  • we felt that we were treated only as frames, but not as individuals,
  • fixated on yourself.

You will see that the leader always used emotions, supported you. And most interestingly, you intuitively already know what you have to do to be an outstanding leader, since you already have positive examples of leadership in your head.

Step 3. Enter the resonance

An example of resonance in a team:

Outstanding leaders are also called resonant leaders. These are people who may resonate with other people. To enter into resonance is to quickly become one. Entering resonance is inspiring and inspiring. People after talking with you should feel inspired. If not, you cannot be an effective leader.

Step 4. Inspire Through Mission and Vision

All outstanding leaders demonstrate to the employees the importance of their work, linking it with something more ambitious, showing how their work will be reflected in the activities of the whole company.

Let's do a simple exercise: formulate a task for your interlocutor (husband, wife, brother, son, friend, neighbor, colleague), who is nearby right now. Let it be a request to do something for you: wash the dishes, write a report, take your watch for repair. Of course, you have already read books on management and you know that tasks need to be set according to the SMART principle.

Most likely, you will get an average result. Your interlocutor may agree to do, but without much enthusiasm.

Now try to do the same, but already using information that emotional leaders inspire. Below are phrases to help you make your speech more inspiring:

Most likely, you got something like this:

Option 1. Honey, please take my watch next week for repairs so that it is ready by Friday.

Option 2 Darling, I really need your help. My watch needs to be returned for repair. Next Friday I have very important negotiations, and my Omega watches will help to conduct them more productively. I am counting on you very much, since I myself can’t; I have spent a week preparing for the quarterly report. I’m sure you can save me!

Step 5. Charge emotionally

To start, watch the video:

Good mood is transmitted. I’m sure that after watching the video you started to smile. The same is true in managing people: a leader emotionally charges his employees. Emotions are always transmitted from person to person. Any of your emotions will be transmitted to your employees.

Just remember the case when you yourself tuned in to the emotions of another person. When you were sad, and someone very funny influenced you, or vice versa.

Often sellers in stores say the phrase "Leave your emotions at home." Unfortunately, this never works. The only way to help the seller is to set him up for other emotions. That is why everyone loves employees who can continuously tell jokes, joke and enjoy life.

Here is another great example on this topic:

If you still doubt that emotions are contagious, here is another video:

Step 6. Start recovering from stress.

As you can see, the work of a leader requires a lot of emotional involvement, the use of his emotions and the transfer of emotions to other people.

That is why the work of leaders is considered one of the most stressful. Welcome to the club!

That is why you need to devote more time to restoring your own strength, otherwise you will not be able to be a leader - you will be a driven horse. Well, or a pony. Like on a picture.

Here are some recovery tips. Remember that every day you should have something one of the list.

Example from your favorite movie:

Step 7. Train Your Social Intelligence

In modern science, they share the emotional intellect, which is responsible for managing a person’s emotions, and social intelligence, which is responsible for interacting with other people. Social intelligence has a simpler name - empathy.

Social intelligence consists of several components. The most important are the ability to listen to other people and the ability to work in a team.

Here's how training and mentoring works:

Step 8. Engage Your Cognitive Abilities

No need to be shy of your mind and mega-abilities, trying to be an ordinary person. It was they who made you who you are. Therefore, apply them in your work. This is called "cognitive competency."

Here's how they work:

Step 9. Help your subordinates see their best future.

The international theory of change says that people are constantly changing, but these changes do not occur linearly. Employees do not get any better every day. This happens spasmodically (very often this happens when changing jobs: a person was a poor employee in one company, he changes jobs and becomes one of the best there). If you do not see instant changes after your efforts, after trainings, your feedback and so on - just wait.

People change through insights. One day they receive insight, and their behavior becomes completely different. This is about the same as people quit smoking.

All successful attempts to quit smoking were made not after a gradual reduction in the number of cigarettes smoked, but after a person woke up in the morning and realized that he would not smoke anymore.

There is a working scheme of how a person changes. Putting it into practice, you can improve your subordinates.

Help your employee see their best self. Discuss with him who he wants to be, what his career goals are, what his most ambitious career dream is. Say that you believe in him, give support. Spend a lot of time discussing with the employee his future image.

The next step in development is realizing oneself real. Help the employee identify their development areas. Give him feedback on what he could improve. Remember positive and trust. Use active listening.

Now help the employee make a plan for their development. Talk about books and trainings that will help him. What new tasks can he perform to improve his skills.

Start setting tasks for your subordinate as if he had already changed and reached his ideal image. But here I will give an analogy with the audience: the load needs to be increased gradually. 1 kg per week. The same with the employee: increase the complexity of the tasks, but do not overload.

Celebrate the result with him when he reaches his goal. And here is another video demonstrating how employee changes occur:

Step 10. Stop bullying your subordinates

The stupidest thing I've ever heard from managers is the phrase about carrots and sticks. No carrots and sticks. This does not work with people. Not even with animals. There is even a cool book on this subject, I highly recommend reading:

So, studies of patients with diabetes have shown that intimidating them so that they are on a diet did not work at all.

The patient recovers much faster when the doctor helps him to present himself as healthy, sympathizes, shares positive emotions.

Use an example from your past. Remember when they tried to change you through a “scary story”.

Now remember the situation when you were pleased with yourself and your life. When he was proud of something.

Now think, in what mood and condition would you be ready to do more? Where would you be more productive?

Therefore, as a leader, you should use only tools to engage and inspire employees. You need to create a special atmosphere by communicating with subordinates.

Experiment on your friends. Ask them questions from the list below and pay attention to their condition. Do you think they would be effective employees in this state of enthusiasm?

How to learn to control your emotions

1. You do not choose your emotions, because they arise in that part of the brain that we do not control.

2. Emotions do not lend themselves to the rules of morality. They are not bad and not good, right or wrong. These are just emotions.

3. You are responsible for your emotions.

4. You can suppress emotions, but you cannot get rid of them.

5. Emotions can lead you astray or take you on the right road. It all depends on your actions.

6. The more you ignore them, the stronger they become.

7. The only way to deal with emotions is to allow yourself to feel them..

8. Emotions fuel your thoughts. You can use your thoughts to control your emotions.

9. You need to understand your emotions, and what they want to tell you so that you can deal with stress. In other words, you need to digest your emotions.

10. Each emotion carries an important message. This message helps you understand yourself better, even if you are trying to hide it. Do yourself a favor and accept all the emotions that you have when you feel them.

11. How your parents reacted to your emotions determines how you feel about your emotions right now. As you grow older, your emotions grow older with you. They developed, became deeper and more powerful.

Step 11. Start Changing Yourself

And now apply for yourself the knowledge of how people are changing. Here's what the change process looks like:

Ask yourself a question:

See what needs to be developed first of all:

Unlike managers who have the opposite:

Therefore, make a small schedule for yourself for 10 weeks, put in 10 qualities that you want to practice these 10 weeks (the list is a bit higher), and practice one quality for a week.

Week 1Quality 1
Week 2Quality 2
Week 3Quality 3
Week 10Quality 10

Of course, many will say that this does not work for us, that our employees are completely different, lazy, and so on. But this is nothing more than a reluctance to change. Do not be one of them, change!

And the last inspirational video:

P. S. Which movie did you like the most? Write in the comments.

How to manage emotions

Your emotions have long been trying to surface. They do not disappear, but go deep into the roots, and these roots make sense.

If you want to know your emotions better, start recognizing them in order to avoid misunderstanding with others.

There are some simple steps to learn how to deal with your emotions.

1. What kind of emotion do you feel

The first thing you need to do is determine how you feel. Psychologists distinguish 4 main emotions: anxiety, sadness, anger, joy.

When you are worried, thoughts come to you: "What if I don’t find a job?", "What if I stay alone?", "What if I fail the exam?". You are worried about the future and what may go wrong. Physically, you can feel an increased heartbeat, muscle tension, and jaw compression.

When you are sad, you have negative thoughts about the past. You feel tired and heavy, you can cry and concentrate with difficulty.

Anger is expressed in thoughts focused on how someone has encroached on your values. Physical symptoms are similar to those of anxiety: heart palpitations, chest tightness.

When you rejoice, thoughts are focused on your accomplishments. For example, you got a welcome job, bought an apartment, or you received a compliment. Physically, you feel light and calm, smile and laugh.

2. Define the message of your emotions

Ask yourself a question to understand why you have this or that emotion:

Anxiety: What am I afraid of?

Sadness: What have I lost?

Anger: What are my values ​​touched by another person?

Happiness: What have I acquired?

Once you have identified the emotion and its message, you need to take action. Ask yourself if there is anything that can solve the situation. If possible, do it.

For example, if you are sad and cannot find a job, you can turn to friends and acquaintances for help.

If you can’t do anything, think about how you can deal with emotion. Engage in meditation, talk with a friend, write down your thoughts on paper, engage in physical activity, seek professional help. Choose what is right for you.

When you learn to recognize your emotions, your life will change for the better, and you will learn how to cope with any problem.