I need your help.
My best friend has a son. He is very attached to me, and I, too. He is 2.4. Name is Andrey. He was offended by me.
Here is how it was.
Whenever I say goodbye to Andryushka, I tell him that we will see each other again soon. But this time it turned out a little differently. He fell ill with chickenpox and since I didn’t get sick, she didn’t come to visit them for more than a week, so they also came to me.
Then a friend and her son came to work for me and Andrei and I agreed that he would come (well, of course, together with his parents) to visit me the next day. I said that I would wait for him.
Since they came to me at work at the end of the working day, I was already going home. It so happened that a friend forgot the package in my office and we met again on the street. Andrei was already in the car, but he saw me. I handed the bag over to my friend, waved to Andrei and left for my car. In the evening, a friend called me and told me that as soon as I disappeared around the corner, Andrei began to get hysterical. He cried a lot, asked me, said that I was waiting for him and for a very long time could not calm down.
The next day, I got sick - I got a cold. Well, because of this, my friend and son did not come to me, because I was worried that Andrew could become infected. And a friend brought me lingonberries to make fruit drinks and parked in a neighboring yard, so that Andrew would not ask me. But he still said all day: “To Tasha (he has not yet spoken Natasha))) we’ll go. Tasha is waiting. ”
After some time, I recovered and they came to visit me. Andrei does not come to me, cries, turns away. When I asked if he was offended by me, he nods his head and says yes. I talked with him, said that I suddenly fell ill and could not meet with him. She said that I really love him, please forgive me. And he cries and shakes his head in different directions, as if he doesn’t want to hear anything.
After some time, he thawed a little and sat on my lap, but when they left, I asked Andrey whether he had forgiven me - he said no.
A day later they came to me again. He saw me and again let's cry. Turns around to leave, the door comes to a stop and goes back. Crying. His father asks - will we go home? He says no! Stay with Natasha? He says yes. But he doesn’t take off his outer clothing. Then he said that he was afraid of me. He stood crying. I ask him again - are you offended? He is crying - he says yes. Then he said that he was afraid of me. I held out my hands to him, what to take in my arms, he cries, but agreed to my arms. I put him on my knees, he pressed against me, cried and said that he wanted to go home. And they left. Earlier, when he left, he always said to me: “Bye!”, He waved his hand, but here he is silent and just looks.
My heart bleeds. I do not know what to do. I feel like I betrayed him. Svetlana, how can I fix the situation and regain the trust of the child? And why did he suddenly become afraid of me?
Thank you in advance for your response!
Natasha, good afternoon.
Children are very fond of certainty and constancy. They love stability.
They truly feel betrayal as an unfulfilled promise. They are not able to understand objective reasons. For them, these reasons are simply an “excuse”. Children are categorical. They have white and black. No halftones.
You are an important object of affection for him. You have always been stable. Always kept promises. You gave a lot of emotional warmth.
And for a small child this is extremely important.
You were like a good fairy to him.
And when you did not keep your promise, you turned into an evil witch.
If you want to establish a relationship with him, you must understand this.
A child’s picture inside looks something like this: “I see Natasha. She is kind and good. She is always kind and good. ”
Now, after the unfulfilled promise: “I see Natasha. Only I doubt - is this really Natasha? Maybe it just seems to me. Maybe someone moved into it and took the real Natasha. After all, MY Natasha never did this to me. So now someone else is in front of me. It seems her voice. It seems like Natasha. And it kind of behaves like Natasha. But all this is someone else. ”
And the child does not stick together these two images inside. He believes in himself. And she can’t believe herself. And accordingly, she can’t believe you.
Fairytale therapy works well with kids.
It is necessary to compose a fairy tale with his name and your name. And the scenario that Andryushka thought that Tasha was gone. But in fact, then the good Tasha returned.
You can turn on such a moment that Andryushka defeated bad Tasha.
Here is at your discretion.
Even if a lot of time has passed, it's still worth composing a fairy tale and telling it to a child.
Even better if you ask your child to compose a continuation of a fairy tale. Offer him to fantasize - how he could defeat the bad Tasha. Let him tell you how bad Tasha looks, what is terrible in her.
Play with these images. Let him turn it all into a game.
The game itself heals.
Trust the child.
I wish you success in regaining confidence!
With faith in your happiness, Svetlana Morozova, analytical psychologist, founder of the School of Professional Psychologists
Common causes of loss of child confidence
A child is a small person who has his own set of emotions and the beginnings of ideas about the world. When adults lie, do not live up to expectations or simply behave immorally, this affects the attitude of the baby to them. Yes, it is possible that the deterioration of family relations will not appear immediately, but in the future it will result in very serious problems.
What are the most common causes of loss of child confidence in the modern world?
- Failure to fulfill promises given to the baby or the blatant lies of the parents.
- Attempts to manipulate the child, impose unnecessary prohibitions on him.
- The practice of causeless punishments and imposing an authoritarian model of relationships.
- Constant immoral behavior, which is replaced by an apology, requests to forgive adults.
- Betrayal of a child of any scale.
Psychologists note that if parents drink or raise a hand on the baby, he always remembers it. In the future, if the problem repeats, the authority of adults is noticeably undermined. As a result, the child simply does not believe the promises made by the parents.
Each of these cases is complicated in its own way, so they should be briefly disassembled separately.
Adolescence: How to Build Relationships with a Child
Problems with your child? He does not listen to you, is rude, bold, tries to do everything his own way? It proves that he is already an adult, and acts contrary to your advice. Then sulking at you, because you were right. A familiar picture? Mom of foster children Elena Primacheva has been in a similar situation more than once and is sure that everything can be changed.
Want a change? An open, sincere, respectful relationship? It is not simple. You have to work hard. Trust needs to be won. But it's worth it. Ready?
Step 1. Remember, have you always had difficulties in relationships?
If so, try to be a friend to your child.so that he learns to trust you.
You can only become a friend only when you have a desire to help your child prepare for adulthood, and learn how to make the right decisions at home.
Moreover, this should not be a desire to show the wrong child, the fallacy of his judgments, namely the desire to help him. Lay a straw, if you want, and then together analyze its successes or failures.
And in no way to criticize or chastise him when he is wrong again, but to be prepared for any development of events. To enable him to make these very mistakes under your supervision, so that he learns to independently deal with the consequences of his choice.
If your relationship with your child has not always been as cold as it is now, then try to find out where the failure occurred, what caused it and who is to blame.
I want to encourage you so that you are not afraid of the upcoming work. They did not spare time and energy in order to again see the joy in the eyes of the child when you appeared, and not the grimace of regret.
Do not be afraid of all sorts of myths about a difficult age, about the fact that time is wasted and you can’t return to the past. This is your child, and while he is under your care, you can and should do everything in your power to teach him to make the right choice and be responsible for it.
But we perfectly understand that all his bravado is superficial, and he knows little about real life. Yes, just remember yourself at his age, and you will understand what is happening to him now.
So, let's determine what we want from our relationship with the child.
Step 2. Describe on an piece of paper your ideal relationship with your child as you imagine them
You can decorate them with different emotions. Write everything that comes to mind, there is no frame here.
Now answer yourself the following question: what prevents you from having your dream relationship with your child? What is bothering you personally?
Maybe you don’t have enough time for it? Or does he come to you with questions at the moment of decoupling in your favorite series? Are you tired of repeating the same thing to him several times and saying unkind words? What was the beginning of the estrangement?
Remember, we said that this does not happen in one moment? You can lose your wallet at a time, but not the trust of the child. Children, as a rule, are patient and condescending to our weaknesses, and we use it. We use their dependence on us, our power, I do not know what else. But I think you understand me.
The next step will lead you to the final victory over any misunderstanding.
Step 3. Ask for forgiveness, admit your mistakes
If you have never asked your children for forgiveness, this is the time to start. Sincere forgiveness, like an eraser, erases past grievances. It gives a chance to the new, better that can be between you and the child. You seem to put yourself on a par with him and show your vulnerability.
Do not wait in return for repentance, it is important that the child believes in your intentions. If he asks for forgiveness in return, well, you will not wish for better!
The most important thing that can happen to you at this moment is the sincere joy that you are together, that you can finally speak frankly and build your dream relationship step by step.
Stay on the new course, do not repeat the old mistakes, and you will succeed!
Shenderova Elena Sergeevna
Hello, Ksenia! let's see what happens:
Repeatedly lied to parents, in connection with which has lost, as it seems to me completely, self-confidence
"How can I regain my parents' trust in me?"
You already see from what and what consequences arise - For a lie, you received a rejection! BUT the fact is that YOU are NOT a small child who can NOT answer for yourself, your feelings, thoughts and actions! and YOU can take this responsibility on yourself! BUT what you can’t do is take responsibility for the feelings, thoughts and actions of your parents! YOU have allowed them to take responsibility for YOU - and they bear it - i.e. put themselves in a dependent and childish position! the choice is YOURSELF - or accept it and try to earn their trust - although YOU will not be able to answer for their feelings, but you will only adapt to them and LIVE THESE conditions, NOT YOURSELF and THEY WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU, ON YOURSELF! or take responsibility for yourself back and START LIVING, and make the decision itself, and DO NOT wait for instructions from parents!
my goals are clearly set before me, I believe and believe in achieving my goals, but how can I convey my goals to my parents and make me believe that I will do this?
simple - LIVE YOUR life! because only YOU will be affected by the consequences of YOUR actions and inaction and only YOU choose - listen to your parents and stay at home, or go to work and start LIVING Adult life - the choice is YOU! and they don’t have to prove anything — YOU don’t live in order to convey something to someone and prove that it’s YOUR life — build it yourself — and let’s let them choose whether to trust or not — these are their feelings, and FOR them You do not answer! each choice has its own “price” - what are YOU willing to pay for? HIS life in order to prove something to them? what for? you live and the consequences will only affect YOU! if YOU go to work and DO NOT study, then, accordingly, the consequences will be FOR YOU, and NOT for the parents! choose.
Ksenia, if you really decide to figure out what is happening - you can feel free to contact me - call me - I will be glad to help you!
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Disrespect for the views of the child and attempts to manipulate him, as the reasons for the lack of family trust
Many parents make a huge mistake by not taking their child’s opinion seriously. They believe that the baby does not have enough understanding of the world to make informed decisions. As a result, the manipulation of decisions and destinies of children begins, which invariably turns into conflicts.
This question is especially acute in adolescence. During this period, children dream that adults begin to trust them, try to show not only care, but also respect. Psychologists in these situations give the following tips:
- you must always be interested in the views of the child when making serious family decisions,
- a certain freedom should be given to the baby, for example, in choosing clothes or a company for communication,
- you should ask your child for advice about their problems, possible personal crises,
- if adults do not agree with the views of children, they need to reasonably explain why the position of the children is wrong, and not to reject it without any reason.
Presence of meaningless prohibitions and punishment of a child for their non-compliance
Another common problem present in many families is the abundance of prohibitions. Children cannot communicate with some classmates, use certain words, play specific toys and eat junk food. Moreover, these prohibitions are not explained in any way and are punishable by very serious punishments.
In such situations, the emergence of mistrust is a systematic phenomenon. Younger family members do not believe that parental prohibitions are dictated by the laws of logic and morality. That is why they are trying to violate them, which turns into punishments.
There is only one way out of this situation: establishing a dialogue, constant communication. Adults need to explain why they forbade something to the child. Then he himself must draw conclusions about the harmfulness of a particular food or the negative impact of a new company.
In this case, the prohibitions of the parents will not cause a directly opposite reaction, and the manifestation of punishments will be the expected and objective measure for misconduct.
Failure to fulfill promises, lies and betrayal of a child
Among adults, quite often you can meet the problem of failure to fulfill promises made to the child. This, of course, is gradually undermining the trust of the child. The kid remembers such cases, and in the future, when adults promise him similar things, they refuse to believe. What should be done in such situations?
- If the promise was not fulfilled, you need to explain in detail to the child why this happened.
- Instead of what was promised, you need to give the baby something similar.
- If there is still a chance to fulfill the promise in the future, the deadlines should be indicated.
- It is recommended as rarely as possible to make promises that cannot be fulfilled.
- Also, one should not bargain good behavior in a child by promising him something impracticable.
Children in the same way as adults react to lies, betrayal, infringement of their rights. If parents once abandon the baby in the care of relatives and leave for some months, while promising to return in a day, there will be no trust in them. In such situations, it is necessary to clearly monitor everything that adults say to babies, trying not to break their word.
How can a child's confidence be restored
Having figured out why distrust arises, and what it is fraught with, it is necessary to analyze in detail the ways of resurrecting family well-being. Sometimes only minimal measures are enough for this. Parents can talk heart to heart with the child, sincerely ask him for forgiveness, and try to correct the situation.
By nature, children are incredibly kind. They are always ready to meet adults, because they have no one closer than their parents. That is why you should not wait until the problem resolves by itself. We need to take measures to objectively combat it.
Take an interest in your child’s affairs
Often adults are so busy that they simply do not have enough time for their own child. They shout at the children, give them unrealistic promises, and hush up the problems. All this results in a lack of family trust.
In such situations, the following actions must be taken:
- daily to learn from the child how his affairs are,
- talk about your problems and joys,
- you need to give your child balanced advice if he has any difficulties,
- you should often go out somewhere with the whole family,
- if the child does not tell the adults about the problems, try to find out about them through classmates or teachers.
These measures will help to objectively improve the home climate. Конечно, малыш не сразу пойдет на встречу взрослым, но постепенно общение начнет налаживаться, а доверие будет восстановлено.
Начните с себя
Many psychologists advise parents to first understand their relationship to themselves, and only then move on to solving family conflicts. It is important to answer the question why there is a lack of trust between children and adults in a particular family?
Most often this is due to the fact that parents are used to not saying something to each other. They can brazenly lie, not trust a partner, make unrealistic promises. All this invariably leads to a family crisis.
Only by understanding your internal problems can you achieve any result in your relationship with your child.
Building adult-adult relationships
This technique is very often used in Western schools. There, kids are treated as full members of society. They are given the opportunity to make decisions that will ultimately have certain consequences. What are the advantages of such a system of behavior?
- Thanks to her, she is able to make the child more responsible.
- Adults begin to regard the baby as a full member of the family, and not as someone whose opinion is not taken into account.
- Such actions help the child to feel the confidence of adults and make more rational decisions.
- This saves kids from unnecessary infantilism, makes them stronger and bolder in life.
However, do not forget that the kids are still not able to bear too much burden of responsibility. That is why they need to be allowed to make decisions only when elementary, not global, problems arise.
How to change your communication style to restore your child’s confidence
Even if the family has a one-year-old child, you need to talk with him on an equal footing. At least that's what psychologists advise. If the correct communication with the baby has not been established from an early age, you need to act immediately.
First you need to abandon the authoritarian model. Next, you need to constantly establish dialogue. Talk with the baby, think with him about serious mistakes. If an adult has broken a promise or has committed a serious offense, he must explain himself to the child. In the absence of such an apology, the youngest member of the family will have a distorted picture of the world, in which only he is to blame for all mortal sins, and adults refuse to take responsibility.
Child confidence is very easy to lose, but it will have to be restored by actions and actions. To prevent deterioration in relations with our own child, we must now try to talk with him on equal terms