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How to overcome and survive violence against yourself in the family, in childhood or adulthood - the help of a psychologist


In recent years, quite a lot of research has been done on how childhood a person affects his behavior in adulthood. For example, one of the proven facts is that children's psychological trauma is closely associated with a high risk of developing prolonged depression and the appearance of alcoholism in adults.

In turn, an adult who has experienced emotional abuse as a child shows this to the world in different ways.

Below we will talk about 26 signs that will tell us that a person’s childhood was rather difficult.

Causes of violence

Domestic violence is based on a combination of negative factors. The influence is exerted by external stresses, and the nature of relations within the family, and the personal characteristics of parents and the child.

In general, the following factors can be identified that put the family at risk for violence:

  • low income, poverty,
  • job loss, unemployment or temporary part-time jobs,
  • young and young parents
  • low social status of parents,
  • single or large families,
  • lack of social and state support,
  • adoption of children, the appearance of a stepfather or stepmother,
  • conflict between spouses, misunderstanding,
  • parenting in conditions of violence,
  • family isolation.

Violence and aggression as a pattern of behavior is transmitted from generation to generation. Children who are victims of violence are more likely to become abusers in adulthood. However, boys more often than girls master the role of a tyrant. Girls who have experienced domestic violence are more likely to be victims of violence repeatedly, but only by their spouse or other relatives.

However, one can distinguish personal qualities that are not dependent on gender and serve as prerequisites for the use of violence as a characteristic behavior of a person:

  • rigidity
  • low self-esteem,
  • irritability,
  • low ability for self-regulation,
  • impulsiveness,
  • low level of empathy and emotional intelligence,
  • low stress resistance
  • suspicion,
  • isolation
  • self-rejection, problems with self-identification,
  • inadequate, high demands on others,
  • low level of social skills, inability to resolve conflicts by negotiation.

Dependencies such as alcoholism, the presence of neurosis, depression and other disorders are an additional negative factor. In addition, unwanted pregnancy, a child with developmental abnormalities or behavioral disorders can cause domestic violence.

Consequences of violence

Any violence adversely affects the human psyche, but domestic violence against a child causes particular harm. The behaviors of the aggressor are perceived as specifics, a model of human relationships. The psyche of the child is in the formation stage, violence affects the fragile psyche. Violence in adulthood adversely affects the victim’s self-acceptance and self-acceptance, attitude and confidence in the world.

Childhood violence

Education in conditions of cruelty deforms the structure of the child’s personality: self-esteem decreases, the feeling of self-worth disappears, and the “I'm bad” attitude is formed. Children grow up with the belief in their own failure. The child is held hostage by the Karpman triangle.

As adults, these children:

  • unable to solve life’s difficulties,
  • they don’t know how to ask for help and accept the support of other people,
  • suffer from increased or decreased control over their actions, thoughts, emotions,
  • characterized by an increased or decreased level of anxiety.

Violence is a trauma that needs to be addressed. But not every person can cope with it on their own. The following features of a person and a family, which are built by people who have been subjected to violence in childhood, testify to unprocessed psychotrauma:

  • randomness and disorganization of the family,
  • cruelty and violence
  • inability to take care of oneself and others,
  • problems in relations with their children, rejection of a child,
  • communication difficulties and barriers,
  • self-destructive behavior.

The difficulty of self-correction of the condition is that post-traumatic syndrome (PTSD) may be delayed in nature, and the trauma itself may not be recognized by a person. It happens that people remember trauma only during a psychotherapy session.

In addition to getting rid of the trauma at the sessions, it is necessary to solve the problems typical for such cases:

  • guilt for the violence that occurred
  • increased arousal
  • constant experience of loss (parental aggression and memories of it make you lose a loved one again and again),
  • unconscious inconsistency
  • fear of loneliness, which is often associated with addictive relationships,
  • worry about the future
  • need for attention
  • inability to rejoice, have fun.

Victims of violence, as a rule, do not perceive themselves as part of society, of all mankind. They consider themselves unviable.

People with PTSD have a tendency to auto-aggression, depression. The feeling of helplessness is compensated by aggression, alcoholism, food addiction. Repulsive behavior is a subconscious desire to isolate oneself from new pain.

To survive the violence, you need to accept the experience and eliminate the consequences of the injury. It is impossible to do it yourself.

Violence in adulthood

As with children, it is difficult to cope with violence in adulthood on your own. It is necessary to consult a psychologist, and possibly a psychotherapist. The victims of violence are characterized by the following changes that must be addressed:

  • Decrease in self-esteem, self-worth, self-esteem,
  • guilt and shame
  • distorted image of "I"
  • pathological fear, a sense of danger,
  • learned helplessness syndrome
  • the inability to build personal boundaries, maintain them, determine the permissible and unacceptable in relations,
  • persistent deprivation of basic needs (in love, attention, security, belonging, acceptance),
  • propensity for dependent and co-dependent relationships,
  • suppression and devaluation of the feelings of the victim,
  • distrust of people
  • simplification of the value system (a sense of security becomes primary),
  • emotional inhibition, "numbness",
  • disgust for one’s body, changes in appearance and behavior (with sexual abuse).

Particular attention is paid to the study of ambivalent feelings: simultaneous love and hatred of the rapist. Along with this, it is necessary to get rid of the victim’s thinking, the attitude “love is inextricably linked with suffering, sacrifice and pain”.

One of the worst and most dangerous consequences of violence both in adulthood and in childhood is dissociative personality disorder. Along with this, a feeling of unreality of what is happening is formed, often partial amnesia occurs. At the sessions of psychotherapy, the problem situation will have to be reviewed, the attitude towards it will be changed, the guilt will be removed and the incident accepted as part of the experience.

In addition, rehabilitation involves the following:

  1. Restoring a picture of the world. Victims are formed thinking, aimed at separation from themselves, the world, other people. All their activity is aimed at self-defense.
  2. Living incident, detailed description. It is necessary to say all the details of what happened so that they do not torment the victim, do not cause feelings of guilt and shame. This is important for getting rid of the client’s self-loathing. Saying what happened, you need to focus on feelings, and not on actions, events. This is what is meant by asking details. Otherwise, the victim will experience repeated (psychological) violence by the consultant.

At the sessions, the therapist and client together determine the problem and purpose of counseling, a strategy and an action plan. The task of the therapist is to reveal the potential of the client, to use the internal resources of the person.

If it’s not yet possible to turn to a psychologist, then find a support group, possibly an anonymous forum. The pain must be spoken and shared with other people. The desire for revenge must be turned into energy aimed at self-development. You can’t let the rapist take his whole life, he already took a lot.

There is no single scheme that helps to survive the violence. The strategy depends on personality traits, situations and environmental conditions. Therefore, it is important to turn to the psychotherapist personally: he will help determine the current feelings, accept them, analyze what happened.

Emotional abuse

1. Such a person is afraid to enter into a serious relationship due to the fact that he could not trust anyone in his childhood.

2. It often happens that a person as if turns off from a conversation or event. This happens unconsciously and is called dissociation.

3. For such a person, unpredictable and sharp mood swings are commonplace. This is due to the fact that in childhood he saw this behavior of his offender and unconsciously adopted it.

4. He can sometimes inflict physical pain on himself, which lasts from childhood.

5. It has a lot of rage that can come out in the most unexpected situation.

6. This person is constantly on the nerves. For this reason, from the outside, he looks rather irritable or shy.

7. He does not feel his need. He constantly doubts his strength, no matter what business he takes up.

8. Such a person has low self-esteem.

The consequences of emotional abuse

17. Such people are usually introverted. They distance themselves from people because they are afraid of communication.

18. The loud sounds made him uneasy because his childhood was filled with screams and conversations in raised tones.

19. Many people who become victims of emotional abuse in childhood try to please everyone in a row in adulthood. They become obsessed with organization, perfectionism, order and cleanliness.

20. Making a decision to such a person is very difficult, since in childhood the main thing that he heard was criticism.

21. Such a person is very hardy, but at the same time he is extremely sensitive, which was the result of a test in a very early childhood of a huge range of emotions.

22. Such a person doubts absolutely everything because of the experienced violence.

23. This person always apologizes for everything.

24. Very often he asks questions, the answers to which he is well aware. All because of doubts about themselves and their abilities.

25. He is vulnerable to various addictions.

26. In reality, such a person is very humble, he appreciates everything that is in his life. He is grateful and strong, having survived the difficult beginning of life.