1. Calm the emotional storm
2. Learn to control impulsiveness and endure distress
3. Improve your interpersonal skills
Tip 1: Calming the emotional storm
Stop trying to fight, avoid, suppress, or deny how you feel. Give yourself permission to feel, it will take away the power of feelings over you.
Try to just test your feelings without judgment or criticism. Release the past and future, focus solely on the present. Awareness methods can be very effective in this regard.
• Start by observing your emotions, take a step back and just watch them.
• Watch them come and go (this can help think of them as waves that come and go).
• Focus on physical sensations that are accompanied by emotions.
• Tell yourself that you accept your emotions, accept what you feel right now.
• Remind yourself that just because you feel something does not mean that it is reality.
Do something that will change your unpleasant feelings
Changing your feeling is one of the fastest and easiest ways to quickly calm yourself. You will need to experiment to find out what works best for you. You also need different strategies for different expressions of mood. What can help when you are angry or very strong feelings are mixed up, when you are depressed, etc.
Some ideas for working on yourself:
Tactile sensations. Try to run your hand in cold or hot (but not burning) water, hold a piece of ice in your hand, grab the edge of the piece of furniture as tight as you can. If you feel anxious and need to calm down, try taking a hot bath or shower, cover yourself with a coverlet, or cuddle with your pet.
Taste. If you feel emptiness or boredom inside, then try to take strong-tasting candies or peppermint candies in your mouth, and slowly eat something with an intense taste, for example, something salty. If you want to calm down, try something calming, such as hot tea or soup.
Smell. Light a candle, smell the flowers, try aromatherapy, spray with your favorite perfume or smell something that smells good in the kitchen. You may find that you react best to strong odors such as citrus fruits, spices, etc.
Sight. Focus on the image that captures your attention. It may be something in your immediate environment (a magnificent view, a beautiful flower, the location of the building, your favorite picture or photo) or something that you imagine in your imagination.
Sound. Try listening to loud music, a bell or a whistle when you need a push. To calm down, turn on soothing music or listen to the soothing sounds of nature, such as the wind, birds, or the ocean. The sound of a car can help well if you cannot hear something more real.
Need to reduce emotional vulnerability
You are more likely to experience negative emotions when you are stressed. That is why it is very important to take care of your physical and mental well-being.
Take care of yourself:
Avoid mood-changing drugs
Eat balanced, use a nutritious diet
Sleep well and rest
Perform self-help skills regularly
Minimize stressful situations
Practicing relaxation techniques
Tip 2: learn to control impulsiveness and cope with difficulties
The calming methods described above can help you relax when you begin to experience strong emotions as a result of stress. But what do you do when you feel overwhelmed by complex feelings? Impulsiveness. In the heat of the moment, you probably use such destructive tricks as cuts, careless sex, dangerous driving or drinking. You may even feel that you have no choice.
You need to learn to control your behavior with effective means.
It is important to recognize that any impulsive behavior serves a specific purpose. It, as a mechanism, is aimed at combating stress. Impulsive behavior makes you feel better, even for a short time. But long-term costs are much more important.
You can regain control over your behavior by learning to endure disasters. This is the key to changing destructive behaviors of BPD. The ability to endure suffering will help you pause when you have a desire for impulsive behavior. Instead of reacting to complex emotions with self-torture, you will learn to control your behavior.
You can learn to control behavior and manage your state with the help of certain skills (meditation, emotional intelligence) (https://www.helpguide.org/emotional-intelligence-toolkit/).
The toolkit teaches you how to:
• get in touch with your emotions
• live with emotional tension
• manage unpleasant or threatening feelings
• stay calm and focused even in critical situations
The tools will teach you how to survive a disaster, but not stop there. This will allow you to experience the full range of positive emotions, such as joy, peace, which are also necessary when trying to avoid negative feelings.
Grounding exercises to regain control
Instead of focusing on your thoughts, focus on how you feel in your body. The following grounding exercise is an easy, quick way to calm and regain control.
Find a quiet place and sit in a comfortable position.
Focus on how you feel in your body. Feel the surface on which you are sitting. Feel your feet on the floor. Feel your hands on your knees.
Focus on your breath, take a few slow, deep breaths. Breathe slowly. A pause at the count of three. Then exhale slowly, pausing again at the count of three. Keep doing this for several minutes.
In case of emergency try to distract yourself
If your attempts to calm down do not work, and you begin to feel overwhelmed by destructive impulses, get distracted. Everything that catches your attention may work. Besides the basic strategies mentioned above, there are some things you can try:
Watch something on TV. Choose the opposite of what you feel: comedy if you feel sad, or something relaxing if you are angry or excited.
Do something you like that creates employment. It can be anything: gardening, drawing, playing a musical instrument, knitting, reading a book, playing a computer game, puzzles.
Throw yourself to work. You can also distract yourself with chores and errands: cleaning your home, working in the yard, going to the food store, taking care of your pet.
Active actions. Vigorous exercise is a healthy way to get an adrenaline rush and let off steam. If you feel stressed, you can try more relaxing activities, such as yoga or a walk around your area.
Call a friend. Talk to someone you trust. It can be a quick and very effective way to distract yourself, feel better and get some perspective.
Tip 3: Improve Your Interpersonal Skills
If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you tend to misunderstand the thoughts and feelings of other people, not imagine and understand how other people see you, and lose sight of how they affect your behavior. When it comes to relationships with other people, then you have a big blind spot. Recognizing the presence of blind spots in interpersonal relationships is the first step. When you stop blaming others, you can start taking action to improve your relationships and your social skills.
Check your assumptions
When you are upset as a result of stress and negativity, remember that people with borderline personality disorder often easily misread the intentions of others. If you are aware of this trend, you can check your assumptions. Remember that you are not a telepath! Instead of making hasty conclusions (usually negative), consider the alternative meaning and motivations of other people's behavior. For example, suppose your partner was abrupt on the phone with you, you feel insecure and afraid that he has lost interest in you.
Consider alternative explanations. Maybe your partner is at risk at work. Maybe he has a busy day. Maybe he hadn't had his coffee yet. There are many different possibilities.
Ask the person to clarify their intentions. One of the easiest ways to clarify a situation is to ask another person what they think or feel. Double check what he meant by saying something or by doing something. Instead of asking in an accusatory manner, try a milder approach: "I could be wrong, but you feel that way ..." or "Perhaps I am too sensitive, but I thought you were."
Put an end to the projection
Do you have a tendency to project negative feelings on other people? Do you feel the feedback or constructive criticism as a personal attack? If so, then you may have projection problems.
To combat projection, you need to learn how to apply the brakes, just as you did to curb your impulsive behavior. Tune in to your emotions and physical sensations in your body. Pay attention to the signs of stress: heart palpitations, muscle tension, sweating, nausea, delirium, suspiciousness. When you feel this way, you probably went on the attack with someone that you will regret later. Take a Pause and take a few slow, deep breaths. Then ask yourself the following three questions:
1. Am I upset about my psyche characteristics now?
2. Do I feel shame or fear?
3. Can I worry about being abandoned?
If the answer is yes, then take a break from the conversation. Tell the other person how you feel and would like to take some time to think before discussing anything further.
Take charge of your life
And finally, it is important to take responsibility for life and your relationship. Ask yourself that you are doing something that can contribute to problems. How do your words and behavior affect the behavior and attitudes of your loved ones? Do you perceive the other person or event to be either very good or very bad? What efforts did you make to put yourself in the place of other people? This will help you change the quality of your relationship.
Diagnosis and treatment
Find a competent psychotherapist
It is important to remember that you cannot diagnose borderline personality disorder on your own.
The support and guidance of a qualified psychotherapist can be of great benefit in the treatment and recovery of BPD. Therapy can be a safe place where you start working through your problems of relationships and trust, using new methods of overcoming difficulties.
It is important to find a doctor with whom you feel safe, so that you feel accepted and understood.
You may think that your therapist will be your savior or you may be disappointed. Remember that these fluctuations from idealization to demonization are a symptom of BPD. Try to talk about everything with your therapist and let the relationship grow. And keep in mind that change is by its very nature associated with some risk and inconvenience. If you never feel uncomfortable and suffering in therapy, probably no progress is made.
Your doctor may consider prescribing if:
• You are diagnosed with BPD, depression, or bipolar disorder
• You suffer from panic attacks or severe anxiety
• You have hallucinations and suspicion
• Do you have suicidal thoughts or are at risk of harming yourself or others?
Matveeva Tatyana Vasilievna
Psychologist Almaty Was online: 1 day ago
Answers on the site: 1996 Conducts of trainings: 9 Publications: 4
In such a situation, it is important to show that you can defend yourself. Warn him that if he continues to threaten, you will contact the police. And stop all communication with him. Do not answer, delete from friends on the page.
It will be useful to work with a psychologist in order not to fall into such situations in the future.
Matveeva Tatyana Vasilievna, psychologist of Almaty
Increased anxiety: symptoms and causes
An unexpected and not completely clear message on the phone, after which the subscriber becomes inaccessible. A strange pain in the side, which does not go away after a fifteen-minute rest and two tablets, you no longer remember what. A rather laid-back conversation with a colleague that ends with the phrase: “Maybe this will not affect you, but if that. "All this can start a powerful process of restless throwing, sleepless nights, when disturbing thoughts keep you awake, extra cups of coffee and forbidden cigarettes. This is the state of anxiety. Something threatens the man, and what exactly - he himself does not know.
Or another example - a person has tested for a serious illness. And until the result is obtained, she’s not able to think about anything else - she worries, worries, does not start any important things, relatively speaking: “the brain works only in one direction”. The maximum for which there is enough strength is the fulfillment of everyday duties. In the house, for example, clean or cook dinner. I don’t even want to needlework, because sewing or knitting is about the future, about joy. And the state of anxiety sweeps away all thoughts of joy. And this is not even the result of some kind of psychological trauma. It is a constant, relentless, exhausting expectation of trouble.
Stress and Anxiety
Anxiety - this fear is incomprehensible to what. For example, if a person is afraid of dogs, then in the absence of a provoking factor (that is, dogs), he is absolutely calm and focused, that is, his level of anxiety does not increase. And if the danger does not have a clear certainty, a person is constantly on his guard - he is watching, watching, preparing to defend himself. He is simply unable to relax. Most of all, a person is afraid to miss the signs of an impending disaster and not have time to react and take action in time. It seems that inside it is an ultra-sensitive alarm, which is set to maximum by default.
Doctors call this condition anxiety disorder, sometimes adding the term "generalized", that is, the entire mental space of a person is captured by anxiety - an experience of impending disaster. The cause of this pathology can be prolonged stress or severe psychological trauma, which was not properly experienced and healed.
Some patients with this disorder say that they cannot sleep normally, they are afraid of the dark, they constantly think that someone is standing behind the door, and so on. And this is understandable. The fact is that in a stressful situation, the body goes into hypermobilization mode, that is, all its forces are rushed to solve urgent and serious problems. This helps a person to survive and not get to the hospital with a serious illness. But when the stress disappears, there is simply no one to cancel the mobilization order. And the human psyche continues to search for non-existent dangers. And if he does not find a suitable object, he creates it with a phantom - in fact, there is no one behind the door, but it seems that there is. Being in a state of anxiety, a person turns off other life programs - may lose interest in food, pleasures, communication. All the intellectual and spiritual forces go to restrain anxiety - you want to either cry and climb into the arms of someone strong and reliable, or curl up under the covers and wait until this nightmare ends.
Useful habits to reduce anxiety
Scientists conducted scientific research in which mothers and their two-year-old babies took part. During the experiment, mothers for some time left their children behind a closed door with a tutor. Some children rushed after them and knocked on the closed door, others cried, then calmed down in the hands of the teacher, but did not start playing. Just sat. And the third did not show any concern and continued to do what they did before the departure of mom. And scientists have already gathered to declare that the latter quickly and well adapted in an unusual environment. But when the kids took a blood test and measured the level of heart rhythm, it turned out that these children are close to fainting. And the pulse and level of cortisol - the hormone of stress - just went off scale. В то время как самыми адаптивными оказались те малыши, которые громко протестовали и рвались к маме. На примере этого эксперимента можно сказать, что
крайне важно озвучивать свои чувства: «Я в ярости!» или «Я очень боюсь!» Особенно это актуально, когда приходится переживать тяжелое горе, например, потерю близкого человека. If you can cry in a friendly exposed vest - it is recommended to use it. If there is no vest, it makes sense to consult a crisis psychologist,
it is necessary to develop good habits - eat, drink, sleep on a schedule. It’s impossible to reduce anxiety and fall asleep - visit a neurologist who, if necessary, will pick up sleeping pills,
normalize breathing. The fact is that anxiety is felt as “excitation minus oxygen”. A person actually stops breathing normally when scared. Therefore, in a stressful situation, you should catch your breath, adjust the nutrition of the brain so that it is able to think and make the right decisions. By the way, nootropic drugs in this case will not help. On the contrary, they can increase anxiety and provoke aggression. Therefore, there is no need to rush to use recommendations such as: "Drink this, turn on your head." Soothing herbs help to some extent, but it is better to consult a doctor.
If more than three months have passed since the moment of psychological stress, and the state of anxiety has still not passed, it is recommended to seek the help of a psychotherapist. They say that with trouble you need to sleep at night, and in the morning the body will again be included in the full-fledged work. This is not entirely true. In order to restore his vitality, it takes time. And the sooner you start treatment, the faster life will get better. Take care of yourself.