There are no problem children, they arise thanks to their own parents, who themselves must understand and realize this. It is easiest to assume that the cause of the problem is only in the child. Moreover, parents are always confident in their infallibility and authority. But they must understand that raising a child is a long and laborious affair. In addition, you should not load it with your unfulfilled hopes.
First of all, the problem in raising a child begins with a gross invasion of parents in his life. They want to see themselves in him, but they forget to find out what the child himself wants, what he dreams about. It doesn’t matter to them; they do not pay any attention to his desires.
Of course, some children begin to protest in this case. Someone is silent, someone is more active, and at the same time everyone is trying to resist parental desires. Thus, a problematic child arises. The parents themselves are to blame. And therefore, to solve problems with a cry, various prohibitions, curses should not be. It is necessary to understand, and then accept that the child has the right to choose his own future. In this case, he develops self-confidence, which helps him in his future life.
Another gross intrusion of adults into the life of the little one is the desire to make him the most ideal child. And when his behavior does not meet all the requirements, then adults try to change all this. Moreover, their constant criticism only harms the child, since he has the belief that he has more shortcomings than advantages. Therefore, there are problems in communicating with the outside world. In this case, he becomes closed or aggressive, trying to prove to everyone that he is better than he is. In this situation, parents must learn to criticize correctly and intelligently.
The main thing that all parents always need to remember is that there are no problem children, there are problem parents who create such children. And to prevent this from happening, you need to have patience and love, in order to avoid a variety of mistakes in raising a child. And then there will be much less problem children.
Where do problem children come from
Work with problem children begins with parents. Most parents are sure that they know everything better than the child, and how to live, and what to want. They literally crush the baby with their own authority since infancy, deciding for him even those things that no one else can know except the child himself. There is a joke that perfectly depicts such parents.
- Vania! Time to go home!
- No, you're hungry!
Parents are sure that they know better than their childwhether he is hungry, cold, tired, wants to sleep or play, then what he wants to become in the future, where to study, etc. Most often, the future profession for the child is chosen in early childhood and, in the future, parents blindly follow their dream, sending the child to appropriate courses, selecting a university, etc. What the child dreams of, no one asks him. Not surprisingly, sooner or later, the child begins to rebel. Some children tend to break free from the total control and authority of their parents in early childhood, some only in their teens, but in any case, a child who is always pressed on and for whom absolutely all decisions are made will sooner or later become that very difficult child. And parents, by all means, will only wonder why they, so caring and attentive, are forced to be interested in the subject of “raising problem children”.
Another reason, lack of attention. Parents may be too busy, both at work and on their own, many parents are sure that children's problems are not worth much attention. From adults, you can often hear “yes, what problems can children have?”. Many parents are sure that the children without further ado know that they are loved, but in fact this is not so. Tactile contact is extremely important for children, which helps them to feel more confident, and attention is necessary for normal emotional development. To attract the attention of the child, he goes to various tricks, but once he understands that only one way works without fail - this is mischief. This may seem paradoxical, but for a child, the punishment compensates for a small piece of parental love. Subconsciously, the child understands that if the parents punish him, then they, at least, care. So a difficult child is ready, attracting attention by pampering and mischief, and then, if the parents do not change their attitude towards him, and completely hooliganism.
Another reason contributing to the emergence of difficult children is diffidence. Initially, children are confident that they are good without comparing themselves to anyone else. But parents always find in their children flaws and imperfections that they so want to correct. They criticize the child over and over again, pointing to one or another shortcoming invented by them. Parents are unconditional authorities for the child and, if they say that something is bad in him, then it certainly is. Children become notorious, confident that they have many shortcomings that simply need to be fixed. This gives rise to closed, enclosed children who are having difficulty reaching contact, or, on the contrary, are aggressive and seeking to prove to themselves and others that they are the best, and again, the difficult child is ready.
Parents create difficult children with their false ideas about upbringing, complexes, unfulfilled dreams, etc. Children will always strive to defend their own Self and their right to choose, rebelling, going against the rules, not obeying.
Raising problem children. What to do
It is important to remember that everything that was laid down in a child under 5 years old will remain with him for the rest of his life, because it is up to this age that character and basic social skills are formed. However, you can crush a child and instill many complexes at any age. So that later you do not have to deal with raising problem children, you need to understand how to behave so that the child does not begin to rebel.
First and the most important thing that a parent needs to understand and understand, so it is that the child is not his property and, moreover, not his small copy, which is obliged to live the life that the parent himself dreamed about and which he, for one reason or another, failed. A parent is a mentor and assistant to a child in this world, but not a strict overseer or a totalitarian leader. The child should feel that his opinion in the family is significant and respected, that his words are not heard only, but they are listened to. Of course, it is impossible to give the baby or teenager complete freedom of choice, therefore, any refusal or action contrary to the opinion of the child, the parent must explain reasonably and calmly. Children need to be pampered, hugs, kisses, kind words are necessary for the child to feel confident and firmly standing on his feet. Children cannot be criticized for nothing. Many parents looking at an off-year tall child say with chagrin, “Well, where did you get that?”, The child feels that he disappointed his parents and also that his height is something bad, but he can’t fix it, in the end he will have to live his whole life with a subconscious complex of his high growth. It is necessary to criticize very carefully and only when the situation can be corrected. Criticism must also be accompanied by concrete actions, if the parent does not like the child’s handwriting, you can’t just say “what a terrible handwriting” and leave your child.
Correct the situation
However, what if the child has already become “problematic”? Parenting troubled children is a very delicate thing, but the main thing here is to understand and accept, this is not a difficult child, you made him that way, your attitude and upbringing. Now we need to try to correct the situation at any cost, and since the parent is to blame, then working with problem children consists primarily in re-educating not the child, but himself. First of all, it is important to understand what caused the child to become problematic. The main mistake that parents make when faced with a difficult child is an attempt to “knock out” bad behavior from him, verbal or physical punishment, removal from the child, endless reproaches, as well as an attempt to put pressure on him, especially this method mothers love, saying that he her behavior will drive her to the grave, that she will be sick all the time because of his behavior, and if he does not urgently recover, she will certainly die. This method never works, on the contrary, the child begins to push even harder. The worst thing about this method is the possibility of the onset of “prophecy,” that is, if the mother suddenly actually dies, then the child for many years, or even for the rest of her life, remains with the heaviest burden of guilt that it did not his mom.
In the upbringing of problematic children, as little strictness and punishment as possible is needed, on the contrary, the child must be surrounded by love, care and understanding. If the reason is excessive control, you just need to release the reins a little and ask the child what he wants to, show him that his opinion is important and will henceforth listen to him, as the child will no longer need to rebel and confront. If there was a lack of attention, you need to spend more time with your child, pick up, hug, kiss, showing how he is needed and important in the life of parents. Well, notorious children need to be praised more often, noting how much good is in the child. Of course, it is important here not to go too far. It is not necessary to confuse the independence of the child with permissiveness, the trapped child will forget how to treat himself critically, and surrounded by excessive care, will grow up to be independent and capricious. The golden mean is important in everything. But the main thing to remember is that the child is the way you raised him, so blaming him is at least ridiculous.
Why are there problems with children
At the moment, there are an infinite number of books on psychology, as well as on family psychotherapy. However, many parents have questions, can a written article change their child’s behavior if it would seem impossible to change anything? Of course, most parents distinguish their children from others. This is normal and characteristic of any good parent - each mother considers her child more intelligent, more beautiful than his classmate.
The problems of this topic also exist in the fact that such parents are prone to exaggeration. And therefore, they can take some kind of misconduct of their child for a big mistake and put a mark on him: “naughty”, “problematic”, “uncontrolled”, etc. In fact, the result of such a child’s behavior is incorrectly built relationships in the family. The reason is a lack of psychological contact. As a result of a lack of attention to one’s own person, a child’s lack of care from loved ones has a fear of being abandoned and unnecessary.
The child fights for an attempt to communicate with his parents and tries in every possible way to get their attention. Parents, however, believe that the child, by his behavior, pisses them off and does it on purpose to annoy them. But what happens if, instead of the attention the child so wanted to get, a conflict of interest occurs? Incorrect communication between parents and children leads to psychological deviations in the latter. The child loses interest in life, becomes more emotional. Its physical component also suffers: it loses weight, loses strength, becomes inactive.
How to raise a difficult child
Parents need to understand that even the strangest situation that has arisen in raising a child must be resolved. Unfortunately, it is far from always possible to fix those problems that are already running.
Therefore, we consider the principles and approaches in education, the result of which is a healthy relationship.
Principles of communication with a child:
- Adopting your baby. Learn to love a child not because he is tall, beautiful and blue-eyed, but because he simply is. Children are not pets, and their upbringing is not training. Understand that children do not owe anything to anyone and do not owe anything. Having a baby is a joy and the only duty of a parent to his child is to make him happy.
- Availability. This principle is expressed by the fact that for a child, mom or dad should be available 24/7. No matter how tired the parent is, whether he is in the mood. It is important to understand that presence and attention for a child, sort of like food for an adult, is an important component.
- Discipline and responsibility. Child compliance with this principle is directly dependent on the parents of these children. The parent, by his own example, should show his responsibility to the child. They are always obligated to bring their promises to the end. It is also necessary to give the child a list of tasks with which he is able to cope daily.
- Authority It is the most important component in education. However, gaining credibility will not be easy, it is something that has been developed over the years. Try to participate in the life of the child, his interests, hobbies, fashion trends, etc.
All the principles that have been listed seem overly simple and easy to follow. However, in a fit of emotion, all these rules, principles are forgotten, the important thing is erased and the idea that the child is behaving badly reappears. But education is a huge work, and above all on oneself. Try not to break these rules. After all, as was said at the beginning, it is easier to establish something right away than to launch and miss the chance to be loved by your children and your parents.
We told how to raise a difficult child. We recommend that you read the article "How to survive the crisis of adolescence." The teenage period is a difficult time not only for the child himself, but also for his parents. What mistakes should be avoided? How to “facilitate” the transition of this period? Why is there such a sharp malfunction in the behavior of your beloved child? Read in our article!